Date:	2007-05-08 14:39
Subject:	eBay
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

I finally decided to try selling something on eBay... if only I had the genius of Snooks behind my listing I would feel so much more secure with this.

This could be a really, really lame attempt, but hey.
I don't care.

I did it anyway.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Siren-original-nude-mermaid-art-OOAK_W0QQitemZ320112185693QQihZ011QQcategoryZ20158QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Date:	2007-04-04 19:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	Tom Waits - The Return of Jackie and Judy

I am hoping, really hoping, that no-one else I know will die for a little while.

I got a tattoo today. The crescent moon in the right-side pad is for Matt.

The paw-print itself is for Truth. Wonder. Walking magick.

It's funny, this wolf-print with it's coloring, it's nuanced patterns... patterns that by chance have far more meaning than they would were they intended. Planned. Plotted and worked in.

I intended to have a little wolf-print on my wrist, over my scar. Suffice to say, it didn't work out quite that way and I am well pleased.

How strange is it that I came to the decision to get another tattoo while at the shop on Saturday, and that being the day Matt died? It was funny how I felt so incredibly convinced that I had to schedule an appointment that day, and that this piece is what I had to have. Matt proved to me that magick could be real, that emotion wears wings and moves in melody, that true genius is so hard to find and even harder to hold.

I have known he was going to die, since the day I gave him back his death, but it still comes as a shock. It still rolls my world, this knowledge that I will never see him again. He will never call at three in the morning, drunk and convinced that he has to make me see his truth. I will never sing harmony with his lilting voice, never get to be on his album, never tell him that his songs are amazing, or that he needs to add strings, or that the soprano bit just doesn't work.

They say that it wasn't intentional, that it wasn't suicide, that he had his life under control, that it had something to do with new meds he was on... and I don't know which would be worse. That, or him ending it all, claiming that last escape.


Burn bright, burn always
child of inferno caul,
prophet of forgotten rites
the ocean knows your name.


Namaste

Matthew Brown
10 September 1976 - 31 March 2007

Date:	2007-04-02 01:09
Subject:	Drawing
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

I realized a short bit ago that I have never been shown how to draw. I suppose in some ways that is not a true statement, as I am sure my kindergarten teacher most likely did... but there was nothing really memorable.

I am not entirely certain how to go about drawing what I see in my head, at least not in a time-conscious sort of fashion... and that doesn't seem so good in a 'let's draw a tattoo' scheme of things.

I see in my mind what is wanted and I sometimes come to a wall between the idea and the execution.

I am finding that the more I draw things on demand, the more easily I am willing to believe that perhaps I can do this thing, and perhaps I can enjoy myself whilst doing so.

This is a new thing for me.

I have all the faith in the world when it comes to things I cannot explain but find myself doubting my own place in the architecture of the universe... and deviating from this norm frightens me.

So... I think I am going to take drawing classes. Art classes. Some kind of something that gives me a framework of reference, some feeling of . Hmph. Ability, perhaps? Capability? I am not sure yet. I don't know what I can afford and I don't know that I am quite secure enough to go to the college.

Closer, perhaps, but not there at the moment.

On a more positive note, the gentleman whose tattoo I sketched was more than pleased with his killer penguin. I, of course, was dissatisfied... but his reaction made me feel better about the entire thing.

a day and a half later

Sometimes I understand exactly where my unhappiness comes from. I know why it is there, and I know what I should do about it, were I wise.

Unfortunately, knowing what one should do never seems worth all that much when it comes face to face with reality.

Damn this existence, let the new one rise.

Today my middle child said something that amused me greatly. He saw an envelope in my bag, asked if he could open it, and after doing so remarked the following:

"They are washing a baby and you are invited".


Um, no. Baby shower does NOT mean they are washing a baby and I am invited, but I can see how a young person might be a trifle confused.

Date:	2007-03-14 12:51
Subject:	just another four-letter word
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Tori Amos - Hey Jupiter

Breathe deeply.

There is hope here, or at least some proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Heaven alone knows if that light is transcendence or the eye of retribution gone wide... and heaven isn't telling, my friend.

Heaven isn't telling.

It's funny, really... we go through life knowing the answers, either unwilling or unable to see that it all lies with us. In us. Some of us forget that it's not a question of 'us' ruling 'them' but rather 'us' ruling ourselves. Others of us have forgotten that our inner selves don't have to be hidden away or masked as something 'else'... they can just be.

People make more money than I can even comprehend by taking some fundamental truth and turning it into a complete and utter lie. A farcical version meant to disenfranchise people even MORE and drive them into the waiting arms of the self-help machine.

Gods. Puh-leeze.

The Secret isn't a f*cking secret, it's universal knowledge, at least insofar as I am concerned. Duh. Of course you manifest your own reality. Of course the universe provides when you empower the universe. Isn't that what prayer is? Isn't that the intention of meditation?

Isn't that the reason for creating art?

So let's take this idea, get a bunch of gurus and moguls to stamp their approval, turn it into some cultish phenomenon and get millions of people to fork over their hard-earned cash for something that isn't a quick fix and most likely isn't going to manifest in the way they are expecting... shall we?

Why didn't I think of that?!

Oh. Yeah. Because it is sick and wrong. In fact, it is almost evil... and I do not use that term lightly.

Man, do NOT ask me about this book. Do not ask me about this DVD, either. I haven't read it, and I haven't seen it, either. If the disc makes its way into my possession without me having to buy it or rent it, I'll watch it... but I am not looking for it. Frankly, I don't care. I have read the dust-jacket, flipped through the book, been to the website, decided it was all very suspect and am having a real hard time not telling you this when you ask me. So don't. even. ask.

Because I am morally obligated to tell you the truth as I see it.

I'll be the first to admit that truth is such a condemnably subjective son of a promiscuous mother. Truth is opinion formulated through observation and hammered on the anvil of enlightenment. Optimistically speaking.

Anyway.

There is hope. No, it has nothing to do with my little rant there.

Who cares?

(T.-don't mess with me, man. :P)

Date:	2007-03-01 22:20
Subject:	Storm Wind Wakening
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	Tori Amos _ and that's BOYS for Pele, you daft twit

Zephyr and the mad messiah
taking tea in a cozy
shooting the shit through crooked lips

Make-believe never looked so good
as through kaleidoscope eyes

Threw a bad pitch, batted twice,
can't play the game to save a soul

I do strange things sometimes, this chronic pack-rat maze-running I find myself prey to.

I am sitting here listening to Tori Amos, thinking about the fact that I was just putting garment tags into an elegant blue envelope and slipping said envelope between two books on the bookshelf next to my art desk.

I am sitting beneath, (or in front of, if you want to get technical about it) my Froud print and the light is lovely. I am feeling introspective without the edge of anger and frustration that usually seems to ride my subconscious. It's a strange thing, really.

If you've ever seen my house, you know just how strange this is...

*grins* ...and how many of you have?

Two.

Aha. Sorry. Tangent.

Those garment tags came from the clothing that Mike had given me. Shonee's clothing. It's silly, I suppose... but I don't care. I know one day I will find that envelope again and reminiscence will hit me like a wave. I will be reminded once again of tragedy and beauty. Of lunar conversations. Of change and purpose.

I've decided that I don't care if you see how I am. I don't care if you don't like me, if you don't want to know me, if you couldn't give a shit less. I am not going to waste any more time looking for your approval, no matter how much you mean to me. I'm simply going to make good on my debts, show gratitude where gratitude is due, be a (semi)responsible person, live deeply.

...so thank you for being in my life. I'm sorry. I believe...

Date:	2007-02-17 21:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant
Music:	AC/DC - The Jack

I just got home from the tattoo shop.

I finally went in and talked to the man about the apprenticeship and am going to go and sit in on a backpiece tomorrow. He is going to give me the information while I am there and we are (optimistically speaking) going to start the apprenticeship when he returns from vacation on the 12th of March.

To say that I am proud of myself for finally going is an understatement.

To say that I was (and am) nervous as hell is a given.

...but am I excited?

Hell yes I am.

F*ching geeked, to be completely honest.

Date:	2007-02-16 22:49
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Rue Morgue Radio

So many things to tend to. So many people who require seeing to. So many issues to resolve.

It never seems to end, this ocean of obligation. The waves roll like fat lions in the sun, each cresting and flowing into trough, change the only constant.

The middle child had his tonsils out today and finished his evening with a fit because he couldn't play 360. Add a teaspoon and a half of T3 and he's out for the night. Hopefully the only reason he wakes is for more drugs and a return to slumber as opposed to some difficulty or another.

Please let it be so.


It's been the epic day, once again reiterating the fact that I rarely have a clue. My lack of focus and organization causes me undue emotional duress, causing more issues than need be. Perhaps some day I will get things in order, at least to the point where I am not exacerbating any pre-existing conditions.

Oh, if you recently joined AA please please please don't see my lack of enthusiasm in a poor light. I don't intend to doubt your ability to stop but I have seen this so many times. I am proud that you see the need for help, really I am. I know how difficult that can be. ... and I know what history says. It tells me hope can be a killer when it runs into the wall of disappointment.

Good luck. I know you can do it if you only believe. And if you avoid those situations that make you feel like you need a drink as though they were the f*cking plague. Don't doubt I love you... I just cannot handle the emotional freight that rides these rails at this moment in time.

Time to throw children in bed.

Can I get an "amen"?

Date:	2007-02-11 01:11
Subject:	The word for the day is 'hell'.
Security:	Public
Mood:	irritated

If I believe in the power of the mind to manifest reality, why the hell am I not believing in the correct way?

Correct being a bit of a misnomer here.

Healthy. Conducive. Productive. Positive. Natural. Real.

What the hell am I doing!?

Date:	2007-02-11 00:24
Subject:	Okay.
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

No-one telling me that I have to TRY to sell my art before I can do it.

*laughs*

I know. One step at a time.

Date:	2007-02-11 00:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	naughty

Okay. Somebody remind me that I need to get my credit card debt down there instead of purchasing art supplies.

Someone reiterate the fact that I should be selling art to buy supplies, and if I can't sell it I can't make it.

...or at least can't make it with Inktense pencils. And certainly do not require a lizard manikin, even if it IS on clearance. (...but I do. I do...)

Please?

...because I am failing in my attempt to be logical here. Failing BADLY.

Date:	2007-02-10 23:49
Subject:	Soon I discovered this rock thing was true.
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

Oh no. I left my CD in the car and I need it... I NEED it, I tell you.

What I really need to do is plug the radio into the outlet behind the bookshelf, set it on top, and put my disc into it. By the time I move an item or two about, the disc will be warm enough to play.

Instead, I sit here and type about it... killing my lungs a puff at a time and making sure my bladder works overtime to filtrate nothing but vodka.

But you know what? These little things are feasible now.

It never used to be that way, so it means there is some sort of progress. Of course, I am going mad in the process. Aha, the rhyming of a wayward poet.

Anyway...

...it's all a strange, fucked up, frightening and enlightening whirlwind into otherwhere. Becoming something different can suck ass. It can be incredibly cool as well.

*chuckles*

'Cool'. Yeah. As though that one asinine word could even begin to encapsulate the magnitude of being. It quakes before the task of conveying all the wonder, all the horror... and it still holds up pretty damn well.

I confess. I am unstable.

...but I think I might be coming close to being okay with that.

As long as I can figure out how to interact.

(I can think of two people who will have finished this completely. You know who you are. To anyone else who did, thank you. It means a great deal.)

I was in love with the world and there was only one thing that I could do.

ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

Date:	2007-01-31 21:34
Subject:	thoughtbubbles
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	The Cult - Priest = Aura

drinking
vodka and cherry amp
best of both worlds.

Thank you, Karen.

I've decided that the universe is fucked up sometimes.

Events shouldn't have to transpire that are out of the ordinary in their trauma before people can really bond. It shouldn't have to be that way.

I shouldn't be thinking about being the one to find my brother when he dies, not when I've only just really found him period.

While I am honored and touched when he says that he envisions me being the one to find him after he has died (seemingly before his time) there is no avoiding the absolute horror such a sentiment brings about. I cannot take the thought.

I don't care if I have seven years... that's not enough time.

There is a great deal of back-story I am leaving out, incidents and conversations twining throughout the crescendo to this unbalanced moment... some things you just can't talk about. Not all the time.

I have always worshiped my big brother. Always.

He's been the only one that looked out for me over the long run, running interference, making me feel okay being me whenever he was around. It was only in his absence that I began to imagine that he thought me asinine. That he saw me as I saw me.

I guess he never has.

Iain is having his tonsils out. Not a pleasant thought. A week out of school and feeling miserable to boot? Ye gods, grant me succor.

I have two hours and two minutes before starting my fast so that I might have my bloodwork done. After drinking a spirits/energy beverage cocktail.

*rolls eyes*

...I'm working on it, damn it. Keep your expectations low. Like non-existent low. Otherwise you are going to be more than a little disappointed. Trust me, I have been there before.

You know what? I am almost okay with a great deal of my life. I have been fiddling with the watercolors, scaling the mountains of clean laundry, moving things around the house and carting off veritable land-fills of fricking trash. I have gotten more books onto bookshelves than I have ever had in my LIFE. While aware of the distance I have yet to cover I know where I've come from. I know the creature I have been.

I also know I cannot be that creature any longer.

rah-rah-rah

Ahem.

Date:	2007-01-25 09:02
Subject:	Alice down the rabbit-hole
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Tom Petty - You Don't Know

I think I am going to admit to my doctor that my life is absolutely out of control.

she will recommend meds

I know this for a fact.

I've been on meds before and I really do not want to go back on them. Yes, pharmacology has advanced considerably in the past seventeen-odd years... and yes, I have some negative biases.

Counseling is something I should look into in a serious fashion but the very thought makes my heart race and my head spin. I don't want to see some asshole who's very voice makes my hackles rise... I have biases there, as well.

I let my fears build a network of excuses- I don't know how it works with our insurance. I don't know who to call. I don't know what to say.

It's easier to just do nothing, slowly going mad in this quagmire that is my existence. My body is gradually falling apart around a spirit that is spiraling unbound.

Focus.

Where does it come from? How does one find it, and finding it, keep it?

F*ckall, it's time to walk the walk.

Date:	2007-01-23 22:22
Subject:	Doctors
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable

I so do not like members of the medical profession. I think perhaps it is the role that I dislike, as opposed to specific doctors/dentists/optometrists... but I avoid them as a general rule. It's kind of pathological, really...

...but I am going. Thursday.

Honestly speaking, I am frightened. I am uncertain which thought frightens me more: is it once again something dumb, something meaningless, or is it something big and ugly and important?

What if my luck has finally run out?

Melodramatic, I know.

As an aside, I also detest lady-bits. Ah no, that is not correct. My dissatisfaction lies with reproductive organs, most specifically their potential problems.

Sometimes being a woman suck ass, and not in a good way.

Date:	2007-01-23 10:38
Subject:	Okay, Dawn... this one's for you.
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

1. Can you cook?
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Negative or Optimistic?
4. What was your dream growing up?
5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
6. Do you think I'm hot or not?
7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
8. Would you have my back or kick me when I'm down?
9. Do you Trust me?
10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
11. What do you think of me as a Person?
12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
13. Would you cry for me if I died?
14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. How do you fall asleep?
17. Would you come over to yell at me or just call?
18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
19. If I only had one day to live would you be honest or lie?
20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
21. What is your worst fear?
22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
23. How many times did you curse at me while filling out this?
24. Can you sing or dance?
25. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest....
26. Will you repost this so I can fill it out?

Looks like that will be the day... and I work. Please let him show up before 11 AM. Please...

...and no, no-one cares about this but me...

However, I am completely okay with that.

*grins*

Date:	2007-01-10 11:48
Subject:	Yay for me...
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Tom Waits - Road to Peace

I just found the title to the dead Bonneville that has been letting on to the entire neighborhood that I may well be white trash. Now I just have to clean that sumbiotch and call the salvage yard to come tow the corpse away... because damn it all, we must work on those pretenses, you dig? I may well be trash, but I will be trash with quality transportation.

*laughs*

I have so much crap to tend to before my brother hits town... and I don't even know what my time-frame is. He said a week or two, with everything hinging on when his check clears the bank... please gods, let it be sooner rather than later...

...which makes me feel selfish in extreme.

Hmmm... oh well.

I have garbage wanting my attention, so all you-all take care.

Date:	2007-01-01 01:45
Subject:	Party favors...
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	incidental music from Marvel Alliance

...they suck ass and should be outlawed. Especially the noisemakers.

Damnable 'family fun', anyway.

(Even though Dread Pirate is a lovely game and each and every one of you should play it... or walk the plank, matey...)

-you know, I typed that prior bit some five hours ago.-

So I leave in two days for Maryland, and my brother isn't even going to be there until the day following. This means that I get to spend the night there without him.

While this is really no big deal, I can get spooked easily if I spend too much time thinking about things. About situations and possibilities. About interacting with people I do not know all that well. About energies and emotions.

These things make me nervous.

So to does the thought of asking my brother about the car I am interested in. Even though it shouldn't.

I obsess about intricate unknowns instead of experiencing existence.

It's enough to drive one a little batty... trust me on that one.

*laughs*

Happy new year, folks. Hope your hangover isn't a drag.